Somewhere lost in "Silent Night"

Dear Daisy,

Jus' a few hours 'til Christmas. This is a different Christmas for me. It certainly has been a year of letting go. I know we all have years like this one. Makes it hard though when the news reporting talks of "prosperous times". I've always felt out of timing with this World, but this year I'm really feeling it more than usual.

...The sanctuary was packed this eve. Maybe this was my chance to catch up to the timing of this World with at least this crowd in this sanctuary even if the outside World wasn't all here...

...the balcony Light had spread following the curvature design, row by row. The Light stopped from the right. There was this huge aisle between me and the Light. I smiled and looked for the Light from the left. I didn't on this night have anyone sitting there. I was alone. For a moment I remembered that, too had been part of this year. I looked to the right more behind than in front. The Light had stopped moving. Ahh, but the Light was now in front of me, the row was long and surely they would...the Light would...it stopped moving.

I looked down. There hadn't been a miracle where my light had been touched by accident without my awareness. The wind hadn't picked up to spark ignite the wick of my candle and I was certain that a big gust of wind hadn't struck in this sanctuary on this evening to blow it out for the wick was clean. No one had had to do anything in particular to receive their Light this night that I hadn't done and certainly my patience with this past year had been doing something positive. I felt like a body shell receiving the message from these people or maybe God Himself that I was somehow less worthy of receiving the Light offerin' from Christ. I was a child of God, created by God, and this room...too blind...

Couldn't these people open their eyes to see that my candle had been missed? I wasn't able to give much to the plate tonight, but I had been giving my heart (as much as was left of it) this year. I was doing my best not to clam up, fold up, or give up on the human condition and life through all the hard times I faced getting through this year, moving through the heart break of this one, and facing this World alone. Besides what was it costing these people to share what Christ gave them for nothing? Christ wasn't some possession that they owned, or needed to protect like all their materialistic things of this World...So Daisy, tell me, what did these peoples do tuh earn dem this right? I jus' needed a little part of the Flame for my heart.

My mind questioned, my heart sat in "silent night" even more cut from the feeling that had grown for years of feeling left out, not understood, unworthy, and different. I pledged to move on with my own head held high, jaw set, candle lit or not, believing God and Christ's promise without proof, that I, too was a child of God. Borrowed token candle lit or not, my inside candle knew how to shine, had kept on shining against all kinds of winds, and was going to continue to shine despite this sick, cruel World. Christ had never walked away from me...Babe Jesus was having his birthday and I was going to celebrate even if this moment held nothing worth celebrating.

Finally after several chorus and verse combinations of "Silent Night", way passed "all is calm, all is bright", the woman to my right across the aisle noticed that my candle remained unlit. She reached over without eye contact and crossed the great gap divide. I had started to move toward her halfway as I saw her movement and especially to thank her. With hurt lingering from the long wait, included in some timing other than my own, I was thankful for the one who noticed, hurt by many who didn't, and I felt emptiness with the closing of this service.

I walked, passed the crowds of people gathering at the exits all talking more of their holiday plans than what they had just witnessed or experienced in this sanctuary of the traveling Light. I didn't know what else to do stepping out of this or how to regain strength that I would need to face the outside. I put on a smile, wished "Merry Christmas" through nod and voice to those I made eye contact with and thought of getting home to spend the remaining hours of Christmas Eve with Levi and welcoming in Christmas morning.

I drove home that snowy night through the City to avoid expressway traffic and icy roads. As I drove out the parking lot I realized that I hadn't seen Main Street decorated for Christmas so this would be a fun option. The drive was beautiful, fresh snow-covered with streetlights glimmering. I drove passed a Mission House. People had gathered for holiday dinner, warmth, and those that I could see were communing at the door having a smoke. I knew the mixed feelings in their hearts, the uncertainties that times of survival and struggle bring, and I knew how cold and dark a night can feel when the day before brought little light. I knew how cold the streets. I had lived them for a time. I said silently as if they could hear, ("Merry Christmas, God Bless") and drove home. For now, that was all I could do. For now.

I wasn't in a good place myself that night and certainly not in a place to help them. My energy level and heart was somewhere lost in "Silent Night" and I knew far too well how fine a line between warmth of home and nowhere to go, and I wasn't prepared to be that cold tonight. God forgive me for not stopping. I can't seem to get them out of my mind, though. I know that I will be back in a way that I can really help. I'll find some way to relight their candles and to help them keep them lit. I know its part of God's Plan. It has to be part of God's Plan for me to witness as often as I do.

...Merry Christmas, dear friend. If you see Jesus up There in Heaven, tell him "Happy Birthday" from me.

Mis' Jane

(Christmas Eve, December 24th, 1999)